Depression makes me unmotivated, jaded, fatigued, and restlessly lazy. I was too unmotivated to eat and hang out with friend, let alone keep up with new music. I liked listening to the same playlist(s) over and over. With my depression, this double Libra has a very limited comfort zone; pair that with my internal Mike Pence and you can see how/why it took me until late may to listen to Dirty Computer. It took an illicit drug+Prozac induced manic episode (my first one!) to discover the magic what is (basically) my entire experience as a black queer femme. I still shed tears when I listen to, "I Like That", "Django Jane", "Crazy, Classic Life"...
With my mania and shamanic experience, came radical self love and radical acceptance. I realized that I was more self conscious than I let on. I internalized all the negativity and bigotry that was projected onto me. I hated my body because I thought my body was supposed to look a certain way. I was living alone since December, but it took until late May for me to speak aloud in my home.
Now, with my mania came the negative side effects of mania: spending everything at once, dancing naked on a bridge, and who knows what else. Now looking back as I wallow in depression again, I miss my mania. With mania came euphoria and happiness. I graduated which meant I could finally live my life for myself. I was elated. I was finally excited to live.
My mania sent me to the hospital. Two weeks of campaigning for president and feng-shui. I was the model patient and I kind of miss it. I was winding down from my mania and depression crawled back in. I then realized I was homeless and unemployed-still my current status-and now I fret I did all the wrong things. I told my family not to come to my graduation and I didn't walk. But maybe if I told my family to come, I wouldn't have went into (unsupervised) mania; I wouldn't have spent all my money; I wouldn't be homeless.
Being unemployed and homeless, hours away from any and all friends I wouldn't hang out with anyway, makes it difficult to climb out of this depression.
I miss school, I miss my friends, I miss stability and security. I reached self-actualization and then tripped and fell right back down to the bottom. With school came work and I could muster enough energy to get to school where I got to see my friends. I never reach out to my friends because I fear they do not like me. Or they have more friends than me; friends they're closer to.
I am thankful for the friends that gave me space. I am thankful for the friends that stuck with me and encouraged me to go out.
I am lonely and depressed and my life is at a standstill. Is this what it feels like to be a loser?
i miss my mania. i miss the cat i lost on the highway.